Bebas

Ibu bapanya sudah pun berpisah


Tapi, Ayahnya masih cuba utk meluangkan masa bersama-sama dengan anaknya


"Dia" berasa sangat marah kpd ayahnya 
kerna meninggalkan keluargnya, meninggalkan dia
Setiap kali ayahnya ajak untuk keluar dan meluangkan masa bersama - samanya
Dia menolak, rasa dendam, marah di dada
kerna ayah, dia rasa sangat terseksa


Ibunya cuba untuk memujuk anaknya

"Kenapa Ayah meninggalkan keluarga kita?" - Dia

"Ayah bukan meninggalkan keluarga kita, tapi dia meninggalkan ibu. Dia sebenarnya sangat sayang kepadamu" - Ibu

"Dia" membuka pintu kereta ibunya
dan berjalan ke arah ayahnya
Ayahnya mengukir senyuman dari jauh
Sudah lama menunggu kedatangan anak kesayangannya
Bersama -sama dengan teman hidup yang lain


Air mata Ibunya mula mengalir
Melihat bekas suami memeluk erat anak perempuannya


---------


Kita rasa takut, sebab itu kita eratnya kuat-kuat
Tapi melepaskan makna membebaskan Kita!

Accident !

11.25, 9 May 2012, Selasa


Pertama kali ku terlanggar dengan kereta orang.
Nasib baik keretanya tak kemek, hanya tercalar sedikit sahaja
Tu laa, over-confident ketika driving


Ku cepat - cepat keluar dari keretaku
kelihatan tiada siapa ketika tu.
ku pusing ke kanan dan kiri, dan toleh ke belakang
tiada siapa nampak
Sebenarnya, Ada perasaan untuk ku lari dari sini
tiada siapa nampak, tiada siapa tahu


ku pun cepat2 bergegas pulang ke bilik dan meninggalkan kereta yang tercalar tadi kat tepi
patutkah aku meletakkan surat pada kereta tadi?
Perasaan takut menghantui
kalau tertangkap macam mana? mesti orang tu akan marah? takut nama ku kena black list nanti?
Syaitan memang buat kita rasa takut utk membuat kebaikan, dia suruh kita lari - lari jauh dengan kesalahan
Tapi perasaan bersalah lagi menguasai


Di bilik,
Aku try balik utk rationalize fikiranku 
" tapi kan kereta tu memang dah banyak calar
mungkin calar tu bukan berpunca dari accident tadi "
haih---
kenapa rasa tak tenang ni?
Kalau tak tenang, hakikatnya ianya dosa!


aku nak Lari pun, lari dari siapa?
Manusia?
Kalau ku lari sekuat mana pun,
hakikatnya, nanti ku akan tertangkap jua di akhirat kelak
tak guna lari di sini
baik tertangkap di sini


Ku menanya pada kawan karibu perihal kejadian tadi
dia memberi semangat kpd ku utk bertanggungjawab atas kesalahan tadi
Alhamdulilah, inilah kelebihan bagi mereka yang mempunyai kawan - kawan solehah
mereka akan menguatkan kita pada kebaikan, ku syukur..
ku memang nak bertanggungjawab atas kesalahan tadi
cuma memerlukan sedikit semangat
hakikatnya, diri ku adalah seseorang yang sangat lemah


Ku tabahkan hatiku
Luruskan perasaanku
dan menulis surat utk diletakkan pada kereta tadi
(bersama2 dengan kawan karib ku tadi)

Perasaan tenang akhirnya terasa..
walaupun ku tahu banyak kemungkinan yang akan berlaku lepas ni
ku tidak lagi takut
Aku yakin, Allah akan protect ku
Inilah kebaikan
kebaikan memang membawa ketenangan
Alhamdulilah!

Searching

Searching for the real meaning.

Of something eternal.

And Lasting.

Isn’t there such thing called truth love?

That bring peace.

And Strength.

Something that you could hold on to

And won’t let you fall

I’ve been searching for You a long time.

But I sought it in Your creations.

Happiness is felt during the first moment.

But loss even before I could feel the essence.

Truly if there’s emptiness inside of me

It is actually a reflection that I am moving further from You.

And I want to come back.

Making the first intention.

Taking the first step.

And I know You are there by my side through out the journey.

Just the first step that is difficult.

But after the initial step.

The inner peace is finally felt.

“Truly in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there’s sadness  that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah” Ibn Qayyim al Jawziyya

Being Myself

"Why aren't you wearing the niqab"asked a niqabi sister who sat directly infront of me on the table.

The question I avoided.
The blood inside of my veins is gushing in and out.
However I tried to remain calm.
Chewing my food slowly.


Thinking for answers.
Answers that would satisfy these creations.
I have my reasons and live in a different circumstances.
But are you willing to listen with an open mind?

"My family don't allow it for now"

"...But my family don't allow it too" she said

The first answer wasn't the real answer.
I don't know I said it in the first place.
I turn to my friend who sat next time.
And asked her to answer on my behalf.

"Her view about the niqab has changed"

"I didn't know there's other views" she said.

I looked down silently.
This time my mind is empty.
All I could say is.
Oo Allah please put good thoughts about her in me and me in her.


But this is the real me.


The other niqabi sister who sat next to her said,
"Yup there's many view with regards to niqab. It's okay if you don't want to wear it. Just take good care of yourself, the way you carry yourself in the public and don't smile unnessary to men"

"Oo i didn't know that" she said.

Now the test is on me, should i throw false judgement about her?
Do i have bad thoughts about her in my mind? 
Oo Allah please forgive me and her for our shortcomings.


In the Quran Allah said

"...but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation - his reward is [due] from Allah . Indeed, He does not like wrongdoers" (Ash Shura 42:40)

xxx

Later i meet again with the other niqabi sister.
I thank her for helping me out with giving answer.
I don't know why I felt so inferior to just being myself.
She said, "It is better in the eyes of Allah a sister who don't wear niqab but prove through her actions and her behaviour that she is modesty and having a good akhlak. Sometimes the niqab sisters took for granted these things. Allah does not judge you just by a piece on cloth on your face."


I pause and reflected on her words.


Will I wear it or not in the future?
Inshaallah I don't know.
I asked Allah for things that are pleasing to Him


But for now.
Let the changes start from inside.
And inshaallah it will be reflected through outside.


Allah mustaan.

He loves me

I asked the same question which I asked myself 3 years ago,


"Isn't there anyone out there if we would love that person, that person would definitely love us back?"


Since I was little. Allah test on my emotion. In the kindergarten, my friends would force me to get them stickers, if not they would not be friends with me. And hence, getting stickers was my priority. Why? I was afraid of not having any friends. I was afraid of being lonely.


The test was the same when i go to high school and when I entered into university.


However the ending is the same, I was the one that are being left. I was the one that was feeling hurt. 


I gush to the mosque and start doing 2 rakaat prayer.
There I found the One that will never leave me.
In the Quran, Allah swt said:

" The example of those who take allies other than Allah is like that of the spider who takes a home. And indeed, the weakest of homes is the home of the spider, if they only knew." (Surah Al-Ankabut 29:41)

We become weak when we put reliance on something that is not eternal.

I was afraid of being left and hurt.
But there is the One that will never leave me.

He put me in this situation
and hence it is His responsibility to take me out.

Just like Prophet Ibrahim a.s that is caught in the fire.
He denied of all help.
He wanted Allah to save him
and Only by His permission he can get through.

Caught in the same situation.
Maybe not in the fire.

But the struggle was the same.
We are in need of Allah swt

So I say just like what Prophet Ibrahim a.s would had said, 

"Allah is sufficient for us and He is the Best Depposer of Affairs"

The Open Door

All the doors are shut.
I stood there.
Thinking.
Should i go or wait.


Knocking once.
Twice.
Silence.


I walk forward and pause.
Look back.
The doors remained close


However I
Gush back towards the door.
Knocking once.
Twice.
In case you have forgotten


This time i know it will never open.
I look ahead of me.
Total darkness.
I was afraid.

I used to have future plans.
The path was very clear.
I know I'm not alone.

For the first time.
I look foward.
And couldn't see the path that awaits me.

In the Quran, Allah said, "Isn't the morning near?"


O Allah open a door for me.
So i could move further from this.
And Closer to You.
A door that remain open for His beloved servant.

The Gift

Just like Prophet Muhammad saw and Abu Bakar.

Prophet Musa and Prophet Harun. 

You are a gift from Allah.

A true sahabah.

Indeed strength only comes from Allah.

But a weak creation like me.

Couldn’t stand to face this challenges and tempatations alone.

I needed your advice.

Support.

Allah had sent you

So that I could always be remembered of Him

And I am forever grateful

For this sisterhood

Hand in hand

Shoulder to shoulder

We face this world together

Towards the same direction

Hope that on the Day of Judgement.

Under His Shade.

Is where we meet again.

As a prove of this solid friendship.

Unbroken.

Ties only by the Creator.

I turn to Allah to make our hearts close to Him.

Truly, Love you only for His sake