Searching

Searching for the real meaning.

Of something eternal.

And Lasting.

Isn’t there such thing called truth love?

That bring peace.

And Strength.

Something that you could hold on to

And won’t let you fall

I’ve been searching for You a long time.

But I sought it in Your creations.

Happiness is felt during the first moment.

But loss even before I could feel the essence.

Truly if there’s emptiness inside of me

It is actually a reflection that I am moving further from You.

And I want to come back.

Making the first intention.

Taking the first step.

And I know You are there by my side through out the journey.

Just the first step that is difficult.

But after the initial step.

The inner peace is finally felt.

“Truly in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there’s sadness  that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah” Ibn Qayyim al Jawziyya

Being Myself

"Why aren't you wearing the niqab"asked a niqabi sister who sat directly infront of me on the table.

The question I avoided.
The blood inside of my veins is gushing in and out.
However I tried to remain calm.
Chewing my food slowly.


Thinking for answers.
Answers that would satisfy these creations.
I have my reasons and live in a different circumstances.
But are you willing to listen with an open mind?

"My family don't allow it for now"

"...But my family don't allow it too" she said

The first answer wasn't the real answer.
I don't know I said it in the first place.
I turn to my friend who sat next time.
And asked her to answer on my behalf.

"Her view about the niqab has changed"

"I didn't know there's other views" she said.

I looked down silently.
This time my mind is empty.
All I could say is.
Oo Allah please put good thoughts about her in me and me in her.


But this is the real me.


The other niqabi sister who sat next to her said,
"Yup there's many view with regards to niqab. It's okay if you don't want to wear it. Just take good care of yourself, the way you carry yourself in the public and don't smile unnessary to men"

"Oo i didn't know that" she said.

Now the test is on me, should i throw false judgement about her?
Do i have bad thoughts about her in my mind? 
Oo Allah please forgive me and her for our shortcomings.


In the Quran Allah said

"...but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation - his reward is [due] from Allah . Indeed, He does not like wrongdoers" (Ash Shura 42:40)

xxx

Later i meet again with the other niqabi sister.
I thank her for helping me out with giving answer.
I don't know why I felt so inferior to just being myself.
She said, "It is better in the eyes of Allah a sister who don't wear niqab but prove through her actions and her behaviour that she is modesty and having a good akhlak. Sometimes the niqab sisters took for granted these things. Allah does not judge you just by a piece on cloth on your face."


I pause and reflected on her words.


Will I wear it or not in the future?
Inshaallah I don't know.
I asked Allah for things that are pleasing to Him


But for now.
Let the changes start from inside.
And inshaallah it will be reflected through outside.


Allah mustaan.

He loves me

I asked the same question which I asked myself 3 years ago,


"Isn't there anyone out there if we would love that person, that person would definitely love us back?"


Since I was little. Allah test on my emotion. In the kindergarten, my friends would force me to get them stickers, if not they would not be friends with me. And hence, getting stickers was my priority. Why? I was afraid of not having any friends. I was afraid of being lonely.


The test was the same when i go to high school and when I entered into university.


However the ending is the same, I was the one that are being left. I was the one that was feeling hurt. 


I gush to the mosque and start doing 2 rakaat prayer.
There I found the One that will never leave me.
In the Quran, Allah swt said:

" The example of those who take allies other than Allah is like that of the spider who takes a home. And indeed, the weakest of homes is the home of the spider, if they only knew." (Surah Al-Ankabut 29:41)

We become weak when we put reliance on something that is not eternal.

I was afraid of being left and hurt.
But there is the One that will never leave me.

He put me in this situation
and hence it is His responsibility to take me out.

Just like Prophet Ibrahim a.s that is caught in the fire.
He denied of all help.
He wanted Allah to save him
and Only by His permission he can get through.

Caught in the same situation.
Maybe not in the fire.

But the struggle was the same.
We are in need of Allah swt

So I say just like what Prophet Ibrahim a.s would had said, 

"Allah is sufficient for us and He is the Best Depposer of Affairs"

The Open Door

All the doors are shut.
I stood there.
Thinking.
Should i go or wait.


Knocking once.
Twice.
Silence.


I walk forward and pause.
Look back.
The doors remained close


However I
Gush back towards the door.
Knocking once.
Twice.
In case you have forgotten


This time i know it will never open.
I look ahead of me.
Total darkness.
I was afraid.

I used to have future plans.
The path was very clear.
I know I'm not alone.

For the first time.
I look foward.
And couldn't see the path that awaits me.

In the Quran, Allah said, "Isn't the morning near?"


O Allah open a door for me.
So i could move further from this.
And Closer to You.
A door that remain open for His beloved servant.