Connection

Standing.
Bending.
Prostrating.
Sitting.
Trying to find the connection that was missing.
I close my eyes.
"Where are you?"
You were there.
But I wasn't.
My heart wasn't presence.
My mind was busy.


As i stood there, thinking.
As i reciting, wondering.
My eyes gazed upon the mattress
"Where is my heart?"


I tried to read it out loud.
And then I shut my eyes.
I forced my mind to focus.


I do this many times before.
It feels the same.
Nothing change.
I have to struggle with my limbs and mind to stay concentrate.
and then i became tired.
I count seconds when I pray.
But I lose hours in everything else.


I let the thoughts overwhelmed me.
Expectations.
Attachement.
Hopes.
Dreams.
In the end,it is just my physical body that remain.


"Why?"
I no longer looking forward towards this.
I just want to get it over with.
I might not say it.
But it is reflected through my actions.


But this is a special connection between us.
This connection is what change me in the first place.
This connection is what guide me till here.
"Where is the connection?"
"Where is the essence? "
I perform it.
But I don't experience it.


And then i realize.
The problem is with my heart.
A barrier that I cultivated.
Actions that i persisted.


Hence, when I stand.
The connection wasn't there.


As I reach the final prostration.
I ask You.
To give a heart that is close to You.
I'm indeed in need of You.